As I write this I am sitting on my bed in sweatpants, the same sweatpants if I’m being honest, for the third day in a row. My laptop is on my lap, my neck craned forward to look at the screen, and my posture is non-existent. I actually washed my hair yesterday, and with all judgement aside, I am viewing that as a win. With a heavy dose of apathy and overall feeling of purposelessness, I didn’t even bother to set an alarm today. Using a plaid fleece blanket over my window as a makeshift blackout curtain, I slept in much later than normal. I woke up late, ate breakfast late, and now I’m sipping my lukewarm morning tea at almost 2pm. This is the first time I have attempted to write anything in almost a month.
When I started this website it was meant to be a polished and professional representation of myself. This was the only way to “put myself out there” that I was comfortable with. Yes, I included brief moments of vulnerability to get certain points across, but only in a way that I could control. I am still working to find acceptance and non-judgement of honest emotional expression, but it doesn’t come easily for me. It was never meant to be disingenuous. I wrote articles to showcase unique information I could share, which I thought others might find helpful. The issue, I see now, is that the raw honest version of myself doesn’t fit the freelance fitness/travel blogger model that I was trying to follow. The things I think, the way I feel, and the writing that I connect deeply with is neither polished nor professional. As a result, the facade I created felt forced, and I became uninterested.
Working through things when they don’t feel right is challenging, but indifference is much easier. I tend to be really good at starting things for myself, and really bad at following through. Initial excitement fades along with the motivation that once kept me going. I’m quick to judge and point out problems, but slow to action and change. Why try to force something when you can just wallow in self-pity?
So here I am, unemployed like many others amid the COVID-19 pandemic, and feeling like I can do nothing more than slowly waste my time away. The lack of control, the idea that my rent might only be paid through the help of family or the government, leaves me debilitated. The inspiration to craft, reorganize my closet, or take part in push-up challenges on Instagram has completely missed me. Even Netflix and reading endless news updates have lost their ability to distract. I question if I have any self-driven purpose or passion in my life. My family and friends are safe and healthy for the time being, but helping them right now means staying away. I am overwhelmed by guilt looking at the suffering of the world, knowing how lucky I am to be sitting safely at home, and simultaneously throwing away something as invaluable as time. Meditation and breathing make things better momentarily, but the comparing mind still creeps in. Honestly, I don’t want a solution right now, and I hope that nobody reading this responds with sympathy or critique. People love to solve problems, myself included, but sometimes it is okay to wade into the murky waters of sad disillusion and just stay there for a bit. Feelings are fleeting, and long term sadness is equally as unsustainable as happiness. Eventually the extremes taper off and apathy or contentment set in.
I wrote this for myself as a form of catharsis, yet I have to imagine somebody out there is having a similar experience. I can’t tell you that it is okay, I don’t have that authority. However, if you’re sitting at home, or driving to work everyday on the empty freeways, and feeling lackluster about life with no drive or motivation for self-betterment, I’m there with you. There will come a time, very soon I assume, where necessity will take over. We will no longer have the luxury of time to wallow and brood. Many of us will be personally or economically affected by COVID-19. Some of us might get jobs we don’t like just to pay the bills. For others it may be much worse. When the time comes, we will all step-up and do whatever needs to be done to continue on as a society. Globally, humans are a resilient and determined species. Yet for now, I am going to sit here in my sweatpants, alone in my room and numb to life. I’m sure this isn’t what people want to hear, but temporarily this is my truth. Maybe I will write more, maybe I’ll do some yoga, or maybe I won’t. Either way, for now at least, it is what it is.